When I was young, in my early 20’s, I had a chip on my shoulder the size of a ship’s mast. I thought everything that was wrong with my life was someone else’s responsibility. I never linked the choices I made with the unhappiness in my life.

As I got older, I wish I could say I started to realize that a lot of what happened in my life had to do with the choices I made. It was my choice to hook up with the guy who told me he couldn’t love my freshman year of college. It was also my choice to feel surprised and hurt and bad about myself, instead of angry at myself for wasting time on a jerk, when he contacted me a few months after he’d dumped me at the end of the year and told me it wasn’t that he couldn’t love, it was just that he couldn’t love me. Sadly, it took me a while after that before I learned my lesson about both the men I picked and how my choices impacted my life.

It’s always easier to blame external forces than it is to accept responsibility. Your parents didn’t treat you well or take care of you as they should have done. Kids in your school were bullies and unkind. You had too much money or not enough. Your supervisor had it in for you. It was your family/friends/society that made you do it. There’s always something that can be blamed if you’re looking hard enough, and it’s kind of a seductive option. If nothing in your life is your responsibility or the result of your choices, than you also have no responsibility for fixing your mistakes or learning how to choose better.

Here’s the thing though, you only get one life and there’s only one person who should be in control of it, you. Yes, owning your choices is harder. Yes, it sucks when you screw something up and you have to admit that the mess is all down to choices you made. It also goes without saying that even when you’re trying your hardest to make good choices, you’ll sometimes choose badly. Life doesn’t come with a guarantee or a rule book or a scale to make sure everything is balanced and fair. Sometimes you can do everything right and the bad guys win.

Still there’s something empowering about standing in the wreckage of your life, acknowledging you made bad choices, and setting about making better ones. Taking responsibility for yourself and what you choose sounds like chaining yourself down, but it’s actually setting yourself free. Choosing, even if it’s not the wisest choice, is better than drifting through life, letting circumstances and people buffet you where they will. If you make a bad choice, learn from the experience, and make a better choice next time.